Let It Out, Then Keep It Moving Part 1
I just need to vent. I need to speak my truth and say out loud what’s building up inside of me to anyone willing to listen. So here it goes.
Let’s start from the beginning
First off, I hate you, NMO. I hate the fact that I never wanted to have anything to do with you. This disease is a terrorist. This was an unprovoked attack against me. Now we are at war and I am losing. What I don’t understand is that out of all of the people in the world you had to choose me. What was the reason?
I’m sorry but I have to say this
My family: I love you guys so much. I am so appreciative of everything you do for me. The way you love me and any effort you make to make me happy is so appreciated. On the other hand, y’all are driving me nuts. There’s one person, in particular, that’s the worst. I can’t even describe to you the amount of stress y’all cause me. I love you so much and I would never do anything to hurt you. Therefore, these thoughts and feelings remain safe and secret inside my mind. Just know if the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn't treat you this way, I would be better and you wouldn’t need confirmation of how I feel. I’d show you how much I care.
Day-to-day living is taking its toll
I try to be positive but it is absolutely miserable living like this. I’m not having any fun. I get up and I do my daily tasks that I do every day. I don’t complain or try to make anyone feel bad that I’m doing things that really, someone else should have already done. Being a mom, that’s just how the cookie crumbles! I put a smile on my face but it’s all fake. I have become the queen of masking. My quality of life SUCKS!
Too many emotional disappointments
You know, I’m a strong person and never really could be emotionally infiltrated, but after NMO, everything seems to hurt my feelings. I never feel validated. I always get the feeling that now since I’m disabled, I’m seen as weak and insignificant. As if, somehow, I transformed into a different person overnight. For people that I love and trust, I set the bar of expectations pretty high. When they don’t meet that standard, I’m disappointed. Either I’m being too hard on them, or they’re just not trying hard enough. I don’t know. It’s a tug of war with my emotions.
Through it all, keep moving
Sometimes I just want to scream to the top of my lungs with all of the emotions I have built up inside. So I vent a little here and vent little there and keep it moving. I’m not going to let NMO hold me hostage from having a good quality of life. I certainly am not going to allow it to misconstrue my perception of the things I care deeply about. I win you lose.
What would you say to NMO if given the chance? Share with us in the comments.
Do you feel guilty when you need to rest?