Did NMO Save Me?
My brain never shuts up. I can’t tell if it's a blessing or a curse. It races with thoughts of the past, present, and future. Some days it thinks of worse-case scenarios, but on rare days, my brain goes into overdrive and creates a fantasy land by asking itself, what if?
The other day it happened to me, and it’s been quite some time, and the question was shockingly something I never thought of. What if I never ended up with NMO? This a question I never even thought to think about, and it truly surprises me. What would my life truly be like if this had never happened? What if I still had my vision and no disease?
Relationships and NMO
The first thing I wondered about was what would my relationship status be. I know odd, but with my ex's history and the timing of my diagnosis, they collided. Would things have worked out without losing my vision and becoming dependent on someone to help take care of me? We had our normal relationship issues, and I do feel NMO didn’t help but definitely played a role. We did, however, have a break up at one point for a bit, and that's where it led to my next question.
During our relationship, we had a time out but still lived together. We were still great friends, but would I have moved if I had my normal vision when it happened? My vision stopped a lot of things from happening. Work wanted to relocate us, and my fear was I didn't know the areas as I knew back home. But if I had my vision, would I have moved for work? Would I have left when I and my ex had our first break up? I have two very close friends that moved out of state and even said I should have moved with them. That would have been a huge change. Now living with one of those people in a new state, I see it could have been done, but what would it have been like then?
Questions obviously gaunt my brain and can be fun and annoying. Sometimes I end up with more questions than answers, but that’s expected in my mind. So now thoughts of moving and where I’d be with my ex leads me to a big one. Did NMO, in a way, save my life? Super hard one to figure out, but it popped up.
My life before NMO
Before NMO, I was kind of a train wreck. I was reckless and irresponsible and got away with it. No, I never harmed anyone or anything like that, but I could of. Drinking was my thing, and I did it a lot. I also got behind the wheel of a car a lot while drinking. I totaled a few cars and paid that price. I even feel sometimes it was karma that gave me this disease. Early signs were before I was that bad, but the worse is it happened after my wreckless years began. I’m not proud of those moments at all. Into advantage of my vision and ability to drive. I had 1 wake-up call before my last attack that started to make me more aware of my mistakes. But if my vision didn’t get worse, would I have changed my ways or returned to being a mess? Would I have finally made that final mistake that would take the life of another or my own?
Shockingly, I think it did save me. I have an addictive personality; honestly, I’m very unpredictable. I act before I think. I speak before I think.
What if NMO saved me
These questions are the hardest to really think of an answer to. I would like to believe I would have shaped up and grown up. I would love to think my relationship would have worked out. Moving for work could have been a great opportunity for me to grow in the retail and managing world. But there is no way of knowing, and I try not to think these things. All I can do is progress and grow with NMO. I can take the hand that life felt to me and make it the best I can. But I’ll always wonder what it is.
How long has it been since your initial NMO diagnosis?