Self-Care After Relapse

After my NMO diagnosis and on the road to recovery, my family has been the biggest rock. Especially my mom. She has always been around taking care of all of us. She is my best friend and even at age 43 I behave like 2 year old around her. I can never imagine her not being around me. She is the prime reason I could filter negative thoughts out of my life.

So when my mom was diagnosed with RCC (Renal Cell Carcinoma), it shook me to the core. We were lucky that it was restricted to her left kidney which was eventually taken out, and didn't get into her vessels. I am very fortunate that she is now cancer-free.

Led to relapse

A couple of days after mom's surgery, my aunt (her younger sister) blamed me for her condition. She said my mom hid her illness and it was directly because of my condition. The whole family asked me to restrict my communication with my mom, breaking me.

I had absolutely zero support from people around me. I was also putting on a brave face for my daughter and dealing with the everyday NMO issues of paresthesia, pain, stiffness, chronic fatigue, sleepless nights, brain fog, anxiety, and panic attacks. All this led to my breakdown and then relapse. Not to mention I had been gaslit about the warning signs that had started to appear 3 months back.

When I was in the hospital I did a lot of reflection about what was happening. People around me knew that stress was fatal and yet they put me in a position that led to relapse and I almost went blind. But despite this, my daughter and I sailed through it alone and made it to shore.

What helped me was to “Reset, Readjust, Restart Refocus”. Let me explain:

Reset

I had to let go of the guilt trip that I was made to ride. It wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t even aware of it. My mom always tells me to let go of anything that hurts me, it is not worth it. But the reality is family is something that you can’t go off that easily, they were angry towards me but at the same time, they were concerned about my mom.

I had reset life so many times before, and I did it again. Instead of dwelling, I pushed my reset button. Once home, the first thing I did was pen down all the negative emotions that had been bottled up and release them. I forgave the people around me and I forgave myself for being so harsh.

Readjust

One of my initial stages of panic was that my mom used to manage everything in her house. Because of her focus on my mental well-being and recovery, she did not let me do anything and I had zero knowledge of how to run ‘her’ home.

So now I had to readjust to the whole new life and learn to take complete care of our home; the house helps, bills, my daughter and her studies, and extracurriculars. I had to learn mum's ways of managing things and dealing with people that she knew. Keeping in mind to have a little bit of fun, take care of my health, and not get burned out.

Restart and refocus

I had to reevaluate, refocus, and prioritize things to prevent burnout and meltdown. I had taken care of myself before and this time I had to take a step further because I was alone I didn’t want my daughter to feel weighed down because of her Nanna's absence.

So I started with proper time management that was inclusive of all the household chores and small mandatory intervals of ‘Me time” every single day. I made a daily to-do list and did things that were only important and did not exert myself. Leave it if necessary.

In midst of my chores, my mornings now begin with gratitude and meditation, a mandatory 1 hour of exercise, nap, and meditation again in the form of energy healing. Positive affirmations and breathing exercises throughout the day, and closing the day with nightly gratitude meditations. I do a lot of self-healing if I get stuck with any negative emotions.

A big wake-up call

Reality is what happened with Mom and the relapse was a big wake-up call for me. I feel I got too comfortable in the secure world she made for me. I didn't realize that somewhere I had forgotten the old me, ready to take on the world and do it all, so when the responsibility came I lost my confidence. I also realized the trips and hanging out were not the only things that were making me feel normal. The responsibilities were another level of happiness because it made me feel like old times.

Today the change feels incredible. I feel confident and completely in charge. All the NMO symptoms are still hanging with me but I don’t feel hassled by it, especially brain fog. I haven’t had a single anxiety or panic attack. I feel happy.

Love yourself the most, and remember self-care should be the top priority because other things will fall into place.