Worsening Vision Confirmed By Eye Tests

It had been a little over a year since my last visit and I was excited for new contacts. My eyes have been a little off but I figured I just needed a new prescription. So I was so happy to see my doctor who truly is a great man. He has been along for the ride of NMO for roughly 8 years.

New vision tests

While waiting for him to come in, his tech came in to do some standard questions and quick little eye tests. The second she had me look at the eye chart I felt ill. She had me test my right eye first which is the worst but I could always see the giant E on the chart. I couldn’t. She then proceeded to have me look with my left eye. It was a struggle.

She finished her job and left while I waited for doctor. I felt so alone and so lost. What I thought was a need for some new lenses was true but for a whole different reason. I started crying and felt like I was kicked in the gut repeatedly. This felt like a huge step back. I heard him coming so I quickly composed myself and told myself to relax and not over react yet.

Significant vision loss with NMO

When he walked in he could tell and conferred me. He asked me all about my life and what’s been going on. We talked for quite a bit like old friends who haven’t seen each other in years. Truly this man knows how to make someone feel better and I appreciate that.

We went thought some tests and eye drops and it was all clear. My eyes have suffered a significant loss since last time. It hurt bad. This was really happening and I was numb again. What I wished was a bad dream was real. And it’s sucked. It’s sucked bad.

We discussed more about my treatments and what else I could do which sadly isn’t much right now. And all I could think about was how I was going to tell my mom. I couldn’t lie. She was going to see me after and there was no hiding how I felt in that moment.

Support from my mother

Once in front of my mother I kept it calm and explained my situation. I could feel her heart breaking. I’m honestly tearing up as I write this. I hate my mom sad. She feels powerless and wishes she could make it better. I’m front of her I hood back my darkest fears and my tears. I tell her it’s just me getting older and I’ll be fine. Inside I was hating myself for doing this to her. I know I have no control over this disease but it’s taken so much.

I tell her to get so rest for work and I went to my room to just finally let out my emotions in private. I laid in bed and just took it all in and kept trying to calm myself down. I shut off my phone and finally shut off my brain. I slept for 10 hours and when I awoke it is still a reality.

When my mother came home the next day from work we talked again. I told her she needed to stay strong and it’s going to be ok. As much as I may or may not believe it, I need her to believe it. She tells me she will do anything and take care of me no matter what. She is my rock and with her feeling better knowing I am ok is the best thing for us. We feed off each others strength and it keeps us so close.

Her strength has helped me get this out. This disease takes and takes from me and everyone in my life and I see it. It the love and bond I share with them all grows bigger every time. This may have not been an ideal trip but I shared a moment with mama that was truly needed.