Tired of the NMO Frustrations

Neuromyelitis optica (NMO) last played with my vision eight long years ago. Still feels like just yesterday. Some days I forget I have vision issues, and some days I feel like it’s thrown in my face. It just sparks this burning rage inside sometimes and it really just makes me wants to break things. Which by the way I have never purposely broken anything, but I have some thoughts that float in my head.

Sometimes you have to bite your tongue and swallow your words. At least in my case, I can overreact. Sometimes I can ignore it.

Triggered

I know we all have our issues that mean more to us than others may feel. My big bad trigger that drives me nuts is vision. I'll hear people say things like:

“Oh my! My vision is so bad right now!”

“Mine is way worse! I’ve had glasses for my whole life!”

“Im literally legally blind…”

“Oh me too! My doctor says mine are so bad and I need a better prescription!”

Frustration

I can be a very positive person and make the jokes about my vision that genuinely makes me feel better and can lighten a mood. Like when I can’t read something or trip over thing air and blame my eyes. Then I follow it all up with some quick off the top of my head joke. Usually lands well and makes things better.

Then there are days that I want to cut my eyes out and give someone else a shot at my life. I understand that this disease can be difficult and the average Joe may not fully grasp the situation. But that doesn’t make it any less frustrating.

Angry about my NMO vision

My vision is just ultimately a giant trigger for me. As of late, it’s been the only real issue. Life’s been great and happy. It's my eyes that know how to push my buttons. Whether it be a snarky comment that someone is more blind than me (which is sad but happens). Or me trying to read and the double vision comes out to play and frustrates me to no end. Sometimes I play silly little games on my phone that can turn me into a rage monster when they don't go my way.

I look to blame everything else even though I know the truth. It’s me. It’s these eyes.

Just as I’m writing this, I am getting frustrated. This used to never be such an issue. But now it makes flames shoot out of me and turns me into someone else. A very biter and angry person for no reason.

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Looking for anger solutions

Sending a text that I had to rewrite ten times because I know the person I’m messaging is going to correct me or ask what it means. That’s the biggest one. I hate being corrected when they know I have issues but they do it anyway. I have a few close people in my life that do that and are lucky I love them or they would be blocked from messaging me. But it still drives me nuts. Then I’m called crazy and need to relax. It’s easier said than done.

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Some days I wonder if anger is a problem. Sometimes I wonder if I am insane. Is it my patience is not that great? Probably all of the above honestly. But this is something I need to figure out. I don’t want my vision to bring out the theatrics and anger. I don’t need to accidentally throw my phone in a fit of rage. Just need to find that calmness and better ways to deal with the frustration and move along.

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