Feeling Unlovable With NMOSD

The day I got diagnosed with NMOSD I deemed myself unlovable. In my mind my worth began to diminish. With every comment like “I don't know how you do it” or “Did you try taking vitamins?”, I felt an ounce less than what I was.

I thought being diagnosed with a rare and chronic condition would make me unattractive to romantic partners, or the friend that gets invited sometimes but not all the time because I can’t keep up. I fought the idea of love and being in a relationship for the first 2 years of my diagnosis. While also finding the courage and words to say “I am a Lesbian”. Coming out, grieving my old life, and navigating my twenties was a seemingly impossible task.

Insecure about being sick

No matter what corner I turned I found myself trapped in a mirrored room, and I hated my reflection at every turn. I knew that once the perfect woman would come along, they would sweep me off my feet and provide that love that I lacked within.

I believed that if I had validation from romantic partners, that would make me less insecure about being sick. I thought that maybe I tell them some and not everything would save my the embarrassment of saying “I had an accident” or god forbid I had to leave a date early because I needed to lay down.

My concept of what love is became skewed and I started to to fix the outside of me rather than look inward. My diagnosis robbed me my dreams, goals, and self-confidence. Learning to love yourself at 19 is a task the majority of the population can’t bear to complete. It takes work and motivation to know the intricate parts of yourself, parts you didn’t even know existed.

The impact of my diagnosis

I was letting my power slip through my hands by allowing the NMOSD diagnosis to create false pretenses about myself.

I would go into new relationships with old insecurities and no base structure of what it is that I actually need versus want. As each relationship didn’t work, I began to realize that although I picked people with not the best intentions, the sole problem was me. I believed that no relationship I ever had would last because I can’t expect someone to love and support me when I couldn’t do that for myself.

That’s when the inner work began.

Starting to love myself

I dove deep into the core of myself and began to date myself. I know it sounds crazy, but I couldn’t stand around and watch this disease ruin me. I had to take my power back. I started to love all the things about me that I hated or that others didn’t necessarily value.

And that is when I found true love. It wasn’t going to come from the validation of others who have no concept of what having a rare disease entails.

My diagnosis plagues the back of my mind every day, but it’s up to me whether I feed that negative voice. 7 years later and I still am learning to love me, no matter the version or diagnosis. We attract what we are, and I know someone someday will see my beauty the way I do.